On the evening of September 17th, I sold a blue dress that I had made from a vintage sheet and vintage pattern. This event would prove to be a notable event in my walk with God for several reasons. It would be an opportunity to rejoice and expect - something God had been teaching me to do for a long time.
Now that might not sound super exciting to you, but for me, it was a huge struggle that would have the potential to help me understand a concept about God that is still hard for me to grasp.
Let's take a step back to my "Leave It To Beaver" childhood". I want to first state that I grew up in a very loving and safe home. My father was an excellent provider. He was also very frugal, practical, responsible and in no way . . . extravagant. I have always valued those noble qualities in him. In fact, I have strived to attain them in my own life.
Somewhere along the way, I let that shape my view of God and myself. In myself, I allowed it to produce feelings that left me feeling irresponsible, especially when we faced financial difficulties. As for my father God, I could not see him as the extravagant God that He is. In fact, as I type those words, I still struggle to believe it. Compounded with my empathic personality, it produced an ongoing battle in my prayer life.
- If my prayer request was too big, I would surmise that it was too extravagant to request. Why should God grant that request when other people are suffering? I do not deserve it.
- If my prayer request was too small, I would surmise that it was too trivial for God to care about and it shouldn't even matter to me.
Now, what does all of that have to do with selling a dress on Etsy? A lot!
This was a chance to rejoice and expect. When I sold the dress, I immediately remembered that my daughter, Lydia, wanted to use the dress in her wedding. That was fine, because I had another sheet that was identical. But as soon as I had that thought, a fear came over me because I had not seen that sheet for a very long time. The following day, I made a frantic search for the missing sheet. As I had suspected, it was gone. No trace of it.
When I nervously shared this with God, He directed me to rejoice for selling the dress and expect the return of the missing sheet. I thought, okay, I can do this. As the days went on, I was still frantically searching for the lost sheet and the reality was becoming all too clear. IT WAS NOT IN MY HOUSE, therefore, it was gone. I cried to God. I was striving with all my might to expect and rejoice, but I couldn't muster it up. Again, I heard, rejoice. I fearfully thanked God for allowing me to sell the dress and I sent it on its merry way in faith. That was all I could do.
After 20 days of striving to expect, I was at a low. As my husband and I drove home from a beautiful fall hike, he had no idea that I was having an angry discourse with God in my head. It went something like this - "God, do your sheep really hear your voice? Did you tell me to expect the sheet or did I make that up? If I can't really hear your voice, then what is the point? This is making a mockery of you and me. If you told me this, it will be a testimony to you. Do what you said you would do!" Then I apologized and asked for forgiveness.
After church the following day, I brought up the subject again with my daughter "Are you sure you don't have the sheet?" We both remembered her giving it back after borrowing it for her dorm room. Then she had a memory of some of her hall mates having borrowed some sheets. She looked through some Instagram pictures and there it was - a picture of my blue sheet hanging as a curtain in a friend's dorm room . . . hope. I excitedly yelled, "Lydia, text her now." Lydia did not share my enthusiasm and chuckled "Mom, I remember her giving me back a large stack of sheets." This sapped some of my hope, but at least we were investigating. Lydia calmly texted her friend who responded with a picture of my blue sheet sitting on the back seat of her car. What rejoicing!
And then, this came to my mind: Suppose one of you has a hundred sheets and loses one of them. Doesn’t she leave the ninety-nine in the sewing room and go after the lost sheet until she finds it? And when she finds it, she joyfully puts it in her arms and goes home. Then she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, "REJOICE with me; I have found my lost sheet."
This was not just about a lost blue sheet; this was about my relationship with my Father God.
God is extravagant. My request is not too small. It is not too trivial for God to care. It matters.
(If you would like to read my experience with "big requests", check out "My Testimony - Losing It All" http://lorradams.blogspot.com/p/my-testimony-part-2.html )
